BY: Tony Papol (@SGEasty)
What’s in a name? That which we call a player by any other name would sound just as cool. Or maybe not. Shakespeare talked about roses, not college football. There is nothing that intrigues the CFSL more than an interesting name; nothing that captures the mind and typing fingers like a fun alliteration or phrase.
As the unquestioned, undisputed, impossible-to-deny sole arbitrator of cool, these are the 25* best names in the CFSL.
25. John Paul Smith
Three names, all one syllable, that just flows perfectly off the tongue. Plus, JPS is a great nickname.
24. Ronnie de la Rocha
Is this the name of the Most Interesting Man in the World? Or a fun flavor of the month at Starbucks? Whatever you think of it is so fun to say.
23. Ra’Q Rhodes and Rocco Rambo
The first instances of alliteration on the list, these two players, as well as de la Rocha before them, run the rock very effectively.
22. Richard Satchel and Buster Cox
Just two guys being dudes.
21. Smoke Orleans
An excellent name that a real college football player would love to have.
20. Jester Blewitt and Guy Blewitt
The Blewitt Bros, no relation, are the peak of CFSL kicker names. The jokes write themselves.
19. Zeus Claydon
I love some Greek mythology, and it’s such an excellent metaphor as the quarterback is the god of the offense.
18. Valentino Villarreal
Another alliteration, this time with far more syllables. I love the way my mouth feels as I say it.
17. Bastille LaRue
The “French-ness” of this name makes me so happy. Plus, it’s a great allusion to the French history of the Storming of the Bastille.
16. Del Toro, Bronco Dukes, and Rick Koon
The effective use of animals in a name is very difficult to do. I’d like to see someone try and make ostrich work.
15. Cadbury Wellington and Windsor Wellington
Beef and Baby Beef as they are affectionately known. I like the alliteration of Windsor more.
14. Tennyson Clementine and Theodore Hitchcock
The arts and culture references here are just too fantastic to pass up. Plus, Hitchcock is my favorite director, so these two had to be on the list.
13. Mustafa Colakovic
A very difficult last name to pronounce and a first name that reminds me of Hakuna Matata, a perfect combination.
12. Admiral Lasky and Captain Carter
The military references are expertly used to bring an air of importance to these players.
11. Rontavius Yankins
Two names I have never heard before that, when combined, are better than the sum of their parts.
10. Mykel Vanderslice
A unique spelling of Michael and a very proper British-sounding surname work very well together.
9. Chip York
I’m not sure what makes this one stick out so much to me, but two simple, single syllables make this a top-10 name.
8. Arch Archie
No surprise why I love this one. Alliteration, simple syllables, and a reference to the old-timey name Archibald, which is one of my favorites.
7. Colt Fresca
Fantastic names, plus a reference to Fresca, one of the most underrated sodas out there.
6. Harry Shack
I would never want to go into something known as the “Hairy Shack,” but as a name, it always brings a smile to my face.
5. Barrett Steele and Thompson Thunder
Whenever I see and hear these names, all I can imagine is the bald eagle screeching, the apple pie cooking, and the American flag waving in the breeze.
4. Juice Lowe
Just a fantastic combination, plain and simple.
3. Tank Lionheart
I can’t think of anything more appropriate for a halfback to be named. It’s perfection.
2. Perry Pushkaryov
This name gives the CFSL my favorite nickname, Agent P. I can envision the interactions now, with Pushkaryov on the field warming up without his helmet on.
Opposing Defensive Coordinator: “A Pushkaryov?”
*Perry puts on his helmet*
Opposing Defense Coordinator: “Perry the Pushkaryov!?!”
1. Rock Do
This is undoubtedly the best name in the CFSL, probably in CFSL history. In player creation, all people will now ask themselves, “Does it Rock Do?”